Week 4 of the 2016 DFFL Season is in the books, and Mark and I are here to fill everyone in on what’s going on.
GRANDPA IS BACK OFF THE WAGON
THE OBJYN’S (MARK)
JAMAAL ABOUT THAT BASS (KATIE)
142.6 – 121.7
When your team starts out 0-4, your fans are never happy. This is especially true for Kowalski’s biggest fan, her grandfather. Tom Donovan would have been 50 years sober next year had Katie managed to win one single fucking game. “The pain watching this team week-in-week-out was just emotionally wrecking me. I needed the sweet release” Donovan said, holding a half-empty bottle of Peppermint Schnapps.
Everybody else in the family is worried. “If he keeps this drinking up, who the hell is gonna give out those coupons to local businesses? I need to sell those wrap platters!” Franco exclaimed after we asked him if he wanted to send Tom a personal, heartfelt message.
Grandma is worried more than anyone. Not because he has been drinking heavily, but because now she has no one to cook for. “He completely lost his appetite. He’s either passed out on the floor, or puking in the bathroom, or driving to the liquor store. I don’t care if he drinks as long as he has an appetite!” she said, teary-eyed.
Aside from grandpa, Mark is debating on starting to rest his players for the playoffs. “I don’t think I’ll have to play Odell Beckham Jr. or Mark Ingram the next couple of weeks. I’d rather have them be fresh down the road for the playoffs. I mean I’m 4-0, I’ve basically secured home-field advantage at this point!” Goodwin excitedly told us in between classes.
As you can see below, Mark and his fans are drinking out of happiness for the strong start to the season:
JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS AND COLIN KAEPERNICK TO STAR IN NEW SITCOM BONE IMPROVEMENT
COLIN KAEPERNICK (DAVE)
JONATHAN TAYLOR MASTER THOMAS
120.0 – 91.2
Hollywood Reporter has confirmed that Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Colin Kaepernick will star in the new CBS spin-off Bone Improvement. The main plot revolves around Taylor Thomas reviving the role of Randy Taylor, who will be Kaepernick’s physical therapist after he tears his ACL while kneeling during the National Anthem.
“I’m really excited to actually be working right now. Now that I don’t have to waste time learning plays and working out, I will have so much time to rehearse my lines. I mean the 49ers gave me $61 million in guaranteed money, so why should I care about being good?” Kaepernick told us in an exclusive interview.*
Jonathan Taylor Thomas, who played Randy in the 90s sitcom Home Improvement, is equally excited to join the show. “Even though it won’t be the same without Tim Allen grunting at me every five seconds, it should be fun to do. We’re shooting for an Emmy so I can put it alongside my collection of 1999 Kid’s Choice Awards. I swept every category that year” Taylor Thomas adamantly stated.
Football related, both teams must have agreed to only start 8 players this week instead of the recommended 9. Tommy started an injured Rashad Jennings while Dave started Green Bay’s Defense on their bye week. We’re back, baby!
*Colin Kaepernick signed a 6-year, $114 million contract in 2014. He has a 10-16 record as a starting QB since.
ROMOSEXUALS LOSE TRADEMARK TO NAME; OWNER REFUSES TO CHANGE IT DESPITE PROTESTS
THE ROMOSEXUALS (MIKE K)
WITHOUT BURT (DONNIE)
134.4 – 123.6
After years of protests, anger, debate, and ridicule, the Romosexuals have officially lost the trademark for their questionable name. Now, anyone is free to sell merchandise that has the Romosexuals name and logo on it. It was finally cancelled by the U.S Patent and Trademark Office, which canceled the team’s trademarks based on a policy that “prohibits registration of marks that may disparage persons or bring them into contempt or disrepute.”
Even though the lost the trademark, owner Mike Kowalski has since stated that he will refuse to change the name. “No way I’m changing it. It’s been a tradition that I use the name, no matter if Romo is on my team or not. People are so politically correct nowadays and it makes me sick to my stomach” Mike told reporters after hearing how the court ruled. Owners around the league will now refer to the ‘Romosexuals’ as the ‘R-words’.
If you don’t get this reference: Click here
Donnie was hoping this whole fiasco would distract Mike from his matchup this week, but that was not the case. Even though Burtless might have the best 1-2 starting running back combo in the league with Todd Gurley and Demarco Murray, it was not enough against Derek Carr and Le’Veon Bell. Having Bell back from suspension moved Kowalski up 5 spots in the power rankings this week, the biggest jump out of anyone.
PIMPIN AINT BREESY (MATT)
ANTONIO BROWN V BOARD OF ED (ALLI)
137.7 – 121.4
After starting the season 0-2, Matt has quickly climbed back into playoff contention with his second straight victory. Many analysts didn’t give Kowalski much of a chance at winning this matchup because of some distractions off the field. “I feel like as an owner, you can’t piss blood and then expect your team to come out and play 100% for you. No chance they win this week,” said Trent Dilfer on the matchup. Randy Moss (the black one) shared similar sentiments, as he was quoted as saying “If my owner had crippling abdominal pain, I’m taking it easy that week. He’s got more important things to think about. Give me Alli by double digits.”
Despite the naysayers, Matt was able to cruise to an easy victory over Alli, and it’s probably a good thing he did. When I caught up with Matt after the game he said “I’m really glad I won this week, because I don’t think I have enough pain meds to cope with both a fantasy football loss and a bunch of calcium deposits shooting out of my dickhole.” Matt looks to keep his hot streak alive this week against Mark’s undefeated squad, and we would like to wish him the best of luck both on and off the field. Get well soon Matt.
After a fantastic week 3 effort, Alli failed to capitalize on the momentum and fell at the hands of Pimpin Aint Breesy. Funny enough, it wasn’t the first time Alli has dealt with the hands of a pimp, but her and Donnie talked about that and were able to move past it. So we should too. (But just remember that Alli was at one time owned by a pimp and the baby might not be Donnie’s. But definitely don’t dwell on it. We don’t know the full story, only Alli the former prostitute and her pimp master do. And maybe Donnie, but she probably hid most of the details from him.)
The main issue with Alli’s team this week was bye weeks, as both Aaron Rodgers and Eddie Lacy were sidelined. Alli’s lack of a true backup plan with her team has some questioning whether or not she will be fit for motherhood. “I have Child Protective Services on speed dial,” said someone still old enough to have speed dial. “If the best she could do was Brock Osweiler at QB, what is she gonna do when say Charlie gets hungry and her tits are dried up? Let her starve?” Let’s hope Alli can bounce back next week against the Frankes and instill some confidence in her fanbase.
FRANKFURTERS OUT FOR HARAMBE
DAS FRANKFURTERS (FRANKES)
MAN AMONGST BOYS (BARRY)
150.7 – 94.1
The magical rookie season continued for the Frankes this week, as they opened a big ole can of whoop-ass against Barry this week. Das Frankfurters put up their highest score of the season, and in fact led the league in scoring week 4. The Frankes are now 3-1, which is good for third place in the league. The younger Franke credits the early success to a very special animal.
“This is all for Harambe, fam. Our team has so much swag and it is all thanks to that dead gorilla. We use his death to get the guys turnt on Sundays. Every week is more lit and I can’t wait to dab on a fool next week.” Well said, buddy. The Frankes also wanted me to let everyone know that they celebrate every win at Lynda and Franco’s house on Sunday nights if anyone else wanted to crash. Pizza on the grill!!
I asked Barry for a reply on Jack’s quote. “I don’t know what that little asshole is talking about, all I know is that I have to be better. I can’t start Jamison Crowder and expect to win, and I know that now. Also fuck Gronk.” Barry now sits at 1-3, which just isn’t gonna cut it for a former champion.
He is in 10th place overall, and has the worst record in the Goodwin household. “If I could put em all back in my balls I would,” Barry said about his sons being ahead of him in the standings. Barry shook things up with a big trade, and hopes that will get him back in the win column this week against Katie. If he loses week 5, consider him dead (like Harambe is).
PLAYS WITH SQUIRRELS (CHRIS)
TEAM DURWALD (MIKE D)
128.1 – 107.5
Mikey D Baby and the D is for dreadful. After a disappointing effort against Chris, Mike D now sits at 1-3, good for 11th in the league. D also enters Week 5 as the lowest scoring team in the league. And while Barry calls himself the “Man” of the group, a lot of people around the league think D’s archaic, old-man methods are holding him back more than anyone. “He still uses a magazine to draft,” said an anonymous wife of Mike D. “He goes to the store and buys a fucking fantasy football magazine. I don’t think they even had Ezekiel Elliott in there. And then he has the audacity to complain about Jameis Winston having a bad game while I’m trying to make him pizza logs.”
His methods haven’t crushed his fans’ spirits. I was able to catch up with Mary Donovan, who called Mike D her “favorite grandchild that didn’t have cancer or have a sister who had cancer”. “Oh that Mike D is wonderful isn’t he! We are all rooting for him over our actual blood relatives!” Let’s hope Mike can keep his fans content this week against David.
Goodwin was happy to get his second win in as many weeks, and even happier that it came against his biggest rival. Durwald is the only DFFL member that has a winning record against Chris in their career. “It felt good to get that monkey off my back. I can’t really afford to lug around any extra weight, because I’m fat, so it was quite a relief.”
Goodwin made a blockbuster trade after the win, acquiring an actual NFL running back in Lesean McCoy from his father. Chris thinks this trade will propel him back to the top of the league. However, despite the win and the trade, his grandmother was still less excited than she was about Mike D. “Lard-ass can get fucked boiiiiii.” Let’s hope the psychological damage isn’t too much this week against the other Mike.