Week 5 of the 2016 DFFL Season is in the books, and Chris and I are here to fill everyone in on what’s going on.
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FRANKES TRUMP ALLI
DAS FRANKFURTERS (FRANKES)
ANTONIO BROWN V BOARD OF ED (ALLI)
127.8 – 97.4
The Frankes’ magical rookie season continued this week, as they whipped and nae naed all over Alli’s grave. Das Dicks are now 4-1, trailing only Mark in the win column. However, this victory did not come without controversy, as an unknown mic picked up some postgame comments from owner Jack Franke. “When you win in fantasy, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”
While the rest of the league is outraged by Jack’s comments, Franke adamantly defended his statements, saying this is nothing more than locker room talk. “I learned everything I know about locker rooms from my dad. He loves to say pussy. Stuff like ‘Jack you’re such a pussy’ and ‘Why did I raise such a goddamn pussy?’ All guys do it.” Let’s hope Jack can clear the air next week Bear Man.
Alli has struggled with inconsistency this season, and that really came into play this week. Alli is the second highest scoring team in the league, but has only managed a 2-3 record to this point. She is hoping that Charlie will be of more help once she tears apart her vag.
“I see the success that Jack and John are having, and I want that with my daughter. I think having two brains separated by more than an umbilical cord will do the trick. But bitch needs to get moving because I need to make a playoff push.” It is rumored that Charlie will take over managerial duties once she has escaped the womb, which according to Alli could be very soon.
TEAM DURWALD (MIKE D)
COLIN KAEPERNICK (DAVE)
148.5 – 84.8
The biggest moment of Mike D’s week should probably have been his one year wedding anniversary, but it was clear he had other things on his mind. Once I saw his Facebook post, I knew his mind was running wild. I mean he didn’t even have the time to crop out that it was a screenshot, because he was too focused on someone else. And that someone was Dave Goodwin
This was the first meeting between Durwald and Goodwin since Week 11 of 2012, when Dave beat Mike by a score of 125-112.5. While this doesn’t seem like a big deal, it was one of Dave’s 2 wins on the season, and he did it without a QB or a FLEX. When I talked to Durwald about the matchup, he said it was “the real low point of my life. I didn’t think I would be able to recover from that one.” But recover he did in a big way, as he destroyed Dave by over 60 points. “I may have to sleep on the couch for a little bit, but avenging the loss was worth it.”
Goodwin fell to 2-3 on the season, and is now tied for last in the Father Duke division. When I asked Dave about the heated rivalry with Mike D, he said “Oh yea I forgot about that. He’s not still mad is he? What kind of maniac would hold a fantasy football grudge for that long?”
Dave went with the same strategy that brought him success against D in 2012, as he started an injured Carson Palmer and Brandin Cooks on a bye. “If it aint broke don’t fix it.” However this time around it was very broke, as Dave put up his worst score of the year. Dave will definitely have to think of a new system if he hopes to contend this year.
THE OBJYN’S (MARK)
PIMPIN AINT BREESY (MATT)
139.2 – 116.1
Mark’s string of good fortune continued this week, as he extended his undefeated start to this season. Goodwin is now 5-0, and sits atop Father Stanton and the Father Stanton Division. Goodwin’s family and friends are kind of sick of Mark winning, mainly because he won’t shut the fuck up about it. “I have the best team. I am going to win the championship.”
Confidence has never been lacking in Mark, however that confidence has yet to result in a championship. This year, he wants it more for the glory. Goodwin spent the weekend in Toronto, and let’s just say the strippers didn’t help his current monetary situation. “I need the trophy so I can pawn it. Canadian lap dances aint cheap.” Mark will try to keep his winning ways up this week against his brother Chris.
Matt really fell asleep at the wheel this week, and it showed with his lineup. Goodwin had some serious help, as Matt went with a trio of bold strategies during the matchup:
- Starting a player on a bye
- Leaving a wide receiver slot empty
- Starting Derek Anderson
Had he checked his team before Sunday afternoon, he probably would have handed Mark his first loss of the season.
In a last ditch effort to inspire his squad, Matt crashed his car into a tree. “The best Raiders season of the last decade was when Al Davis died. Thought I’d give it a shot.” Thankfully Matt survived, mainly due to Laurie’s Facebook status asking for prayers. Here’s to hoping his losing ways don’t continue, because who knows what he’ll do next.
IS JULI GRYGIER THE NEW YOKO ONO?
WITHOUT BURT (DONNIE)
JONATHAN TAYLOR MASTER THOMAS (TOMMY)
After a nail-biting finish between the two Burtless brothers, friends and family close to Tommy are nervous for the direction he’s been heading in. Coming off three straight losses, some are blaming it on Lamar Miller not living up to the hype, while others are blaming it on Tommy focusing all of his time editing instagram pictures from that one time he played with Metric. But, the biggest concern of all is the new chemistry within the organization now that Master Thomas has gained himself a mistress.
“Now that she’s here all the time, the rest of the guys in the locker room feel like they have to be censored. She is ruining our rhythm and it’s the reason we’ve lost three straight” Burtless’ kicker Dan Bailey exclaimed. The rest of the team shared similar thoughts. One source within the organization told me Matthew Stafford was overheard saying “Bros before hoes.”
Even Tommy’s bandmates are a little concerned with Juli’s recent attachment to him. “We really need to get her out of the recording studio. The chemistry between the band is even more fucked up than when I went to Iceland for a month straight” Humble Braggers guitarist-whose-name-I-don’t-know-but-it’s-the-one-who-had-a-ponytail-at-one-point told us in an interview.
Ironically, this game between brothers came down to two players from the city of brotherly love, Philadelphia. Without Burt’s QB Carson Wentz’s last completion of the game was completed to Jonathan Taylor Master Thomas’ WR Jordan Matthews for ten yards. If Matthews would have gotten five more yards on the play, the younger Burtless would have been victorious. Donnie hasn’t been that nervous since him and Alli went to go buy a pregnancy test.
FATHER DUKE-ING IT OUT
PLAYS WITH SQUIRRELS (CHRIS)
THE ROMOSEXUALS (MIKE K)
153.8 – 137.4
Even though they spent years playing roller hockey alongside one another at Spinners, Goodwin and Kowalski duked it against each other in their high-scoring matchup. “It was weird not being on the same team and losing 15-3 every week together” Goodwin said in his post-game interview. Goodwin and Kowalski are now both tied for first in the Father Duke Division.
Kowalski has been distracted this week too. Not because his brother was in a horrific car accident, but because his brothers boyfriend is so much younger than Matt. “I really am not comfortable with Matt dating someone so much younger than him. I couldn’t care less that he is gay but what I do have a problem with is not finding someone your age” Kowalski said in a statement.
Age aside, Goodwin put up an impressive effort this week, being the highest scoring team with 153.8. Father-of-eight Phillip Rivers and T.Y Hilton combined for an incredible 65.5 points for Plays with Squirrels. Goodwin, who is on a three game win streak, is hoping his girlfriend has noticed. “A three game win streak calls for a threesome. Step one: 3-game win streak. Step two: Get some strange. Step 3: Championship” Chris told reporters. Lisa Vlahopoulos has no comment.
BARRY LOSES MAN CARD
JAMAAL ABOUT THAT BASS (KATIE)
MAN AMONGST BOYS (BARRY)
108.1 – 86.6
Owner of the former-champion Man Amongst Boys, Barry Goodwin, has been officially stripped of his man-card after losing to a girl for the second time this year. “Where I grew up, losing to a girl in something is as embarrassing as getting knocked out at Brick Bar” Goodwin told reporters.
Goodwin’s statements represent the sexism that has occurred in the DFFL since day one. Out of the 13 owners in the league, only 2 are women (2.5 if you count Charlie). After a brief investigation, we have found out that the women owners are only making 70% of what the male owners receive. Although, this stat only refers to how much was spent during the Christmas Exchange.
Some are calling for new expansion teams for next year that would have strictly female owners. But, the biggest challenge is being able to find the right women. It is a shame none of us know loud, angry, aggressive women who love to compete against one another. Oh well, someone should contact Judith Kroese and get her email address.