Week 6 of the 2016 DFFL Season is in the books, and Mark and I are here to fill everyone in on what’s going on. Also, check out these 3 new shirts added to the DFFL store
STU-PED TO NEW LEVELS
JAMAAL ABOUT THAT BASS (KATIE)
TEAM DURWALD (MIKE D)
138.4 – 119
Spousal abuse is normally not tolerated, but I think everyone appreciated the beatdown Katie put on Mike D this week. Mrs. D used strong games from Julio Jones and Cole Beasley to overpower her husband. After a slow start, Katie has won two in a row and is now out of the stinky, reeking-of-sulfur basement of the DFFL.
It’s not all sunshine and rainbows for Katie however, as authorities are looking into her tactics throughout the week. Mike D filed a formal complaint with the DFFL competition committee, saying Katie went above and beyond what was right and fair. “She stole my most prized possession in the world, and threatened to burn it if I didn’t let her win. I don’t think I would have survived losing it.”
Mike is of course referring to his signed Stu Barnes Sabres Gameday program, which he cherishes more than his own wife and dog children. Sources confirm that luckily he was able to get the program back unharmed. Phew.
Fans of Team Durwald think the owner might be exaggerating a bit, and are focusing more on getting the thoughts and prayers directed back to Mike. Mike’s superfans (Katie’s aunts) were preoccupied thinking and praying for someone else this week, and it really is believed to have affected Mike’s team. He hopes to get back on the right track next week against the undefeated OBJYN’s.
HOMOSEXUAL > ROMOSEXUAL
PIMPIN AINT BREESY (MATT)
THE ROMOSEXUALS (MIKE K)
101.7 – 93.7
Former bedroom buddies shared the field this week, and this time Matt found more than crumpled up socks: he found a win. Matt improved his record to 3-3 (3-2 on weeks where he doesn’t crash his car), and is now right back in the playoff hunt.
It helped that Matt started 9 healthy/active/real players this week, but there are rumors circulating that he had a little help from the other side. Two sources have told me that Mike threw the game this week against his brother. “He still feels bad about ruining Matt’s beanie babies in the fire, and wanted to make up for it,” said source #1. Source #2 tells a slightly different tale, “Mike just wants Matt to love him as much as he loves Mike D, and he figured a win against him would help.”
Mike K of course refutes these claims, claiming poor roster luck cost him the victory, but looking at his bench it’s hard to deny he didn’t put his best lineup out there. Like his brother, Mike is now 3-3 and right in the middle of the contentious Father Duke Division.
Matt was happy with the win, but did not want to celebrate too much. “Tyler’s family are Jehovah’s Witnesses, and I know they don’t like to celebrate anything. I didn’t want to overstep my bounds, I mean they’re probably already mad about how much older I am.” Let’s hope he can find a moment to celebrate next week against Dave.
ANTONIO BROWN V BOARD OF ED (ALLI)
WITHOUT BURT (DONNIE)
79.9 – 72.4
When they look back in the annals of history, people are gonna be talking about three things: the discovery of fire, the invention of the submarine, and the Charlie Bowl. It’s actually a shame that either of these teams walked away with a win, but Charlie needed a last name. That’s right, this win has determined that Charlie Suriani will go on the birth certificate. (That is assuming Charlie will have a birth certificate. I am not sure where birth certificates stand on the gender role appropriation scale.)
Charlie will be Burtless-less thanks to a little help from Lady Luck, who was on Alli’s side this week. Alli was able to squeak out a win despite being the second lowest scoring team in the league. Her 79.9 point performance was by far the lowest score for a winning team in the DFFL this season. Mark would’ve beat both teams combined, but I’m definitely not bitter about that at all.
You would think with so much at stake this week that one of these teams would’ve shown up. But the lack of effort from both sides has Charlie questioning whether they care about her at all. “I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty hurt,” Charlie said through a translator. “One of them could have at least got to 80. Kinda think my parents might be assholes. Might come out feet first out of spite. ”
Donnie was ashamed of his team’s performance this week, and rightfully so. He somehow managed to start not one, but two receivers who scored zero points. “I haven’t been this embarrassed since literally all of my family members came to Green Lake for my prom pictures.” How will he get out of this slump? “I’m gonna pour a glass of Bourbon, find my Great Gatsby t-shirt, and wear it to 23 consecutive family parties. That has brought me success in the past.” Let’s hope it works for him next week against Katie.
An Apple A Day Keeps Win The Wins Away
Jonathan Taylor Master Thomas
145.1 – 91.7
We all know Dr. Chopra’s favorite saying*, “An apple a day keeps the doctor, as well as wins, away. Now let me grab your balls.” This rings especially true for the Frankes, who decided to take place in some basic bitch fall activities instead of trying to win. The family ended up being the third lowest scoring team this week, but didn’t come out of the week completely empty-handed.
“Even though our team played poorly, we’re just happy to have gotten a couple bags full of apples. My kids only eat chicken nuggets and Mac-n-Cheese, so all of these will probably rot or be thrown out anyway” John said in his postgame interview.
Confirming John’s thoughts, Jack was overheard saying, “I had a very average peanut allergy as a kid and actually can eat them if I choose to. But no chance I’m going near those apples. Way too big of a risk for my health. I had a peanut allergy as a kid, just to reiterate.”
Tommy gives credit where credit is due. If the matchups had ended after the 1 o’clock and 4 o’clock games, Tommy could have only started Drew Brees and Lamar Miller and STILL would have won. A combined 81.4 points would have outscored the Frankes 81-4 – 43.5.
*Dr. Chopra had no direct comment.
You Come At The King, You Best Not Miss
The OBJYN’s (Mark)
Plays With Squirrels (Chris)
Chris Goodwin has suffered through some embarrassing losses throughout his life, but this one might sting the most. After losing to league-leading Mark Goodwin, the oldest Goodwin brother has officially been passed in career wins. Goodwin was seen double-fisting Seagram’s in frustration after Sunday’s loss. He hasn’t been this embarrassed since realizing he didn’t kiss a girl until he was 23.
Mark had some choice words for his older brother, “I really thought he was going to put up a better fight than that. I haven’t been this embarrassed for him since I found a Google search for ‘Asian Office Porn’ on his laptop like 10 years ago” (Yes this actually happened. First time I’ve ever brought it up to him.)
Looking to get back into his habit of winning, Chris has decided to leave his job at Frontier Science and has returned to his old employer, Wal-Mart. He told us on his break, “Scooping dead fish all day gives you time to think about what moves you want to make and what players you want to pick up. It makes up for having to work with old mentally-retarded people. It was the right career move.”
Mark stays undefeated and credits his success to “minimal effort and luck”. Chris moves to 3-3 and still sits atop the Father Duke Division tied for first place with Tommy, Mike and Donnie. Fans cannot complain about parity in the league this year. Everybody still has a shot.
A DFFL INVESTIGATION
Man Amongst Boys (Barry)
Colin Kaepernick (Dave)
After spending a year and a half out of college, Dave Goodwin has finally put his 30k-a-year education to the test. Goodwin released his investigation this morning stating, “Something seemed a little off with grandma’s ‘heart attack’. There are many reasons to believe that it was a set up lead by the aunts to garner Facebook likes.”
When asked about his journalistic past, Goodwin’s brother seemed a bit confused. “I honestly don’t know what he’s been doing for the past 18 months. I know he worked at a place that made hand sanitizer, and now he works at a law office. But he’s not a lawyer so I’m not really sure what he’s doing” Mark offered.
Chris, on the other hand, had nothing but good things to say about Dave. “He’s our generation’s Jacob Riis. A true muckraker. He will pave the way for future journalists who won’t be able to find jobs once all the newspapers will be shut down in like 20 years.”
After completing his investigation, Goodwin came across with what he believes to be the truth. “The sisters take them out to dinner as much as they can with the greasiest food they can find so these cardiac arrests happen at least once a year. They found a healthy mean where these events happen often enough, but they aren’t serious enough to die from. Just enough to get sympathy from my high-school classmates whom they haven’t spoken to in 40 years.”
As you can see, their thoughts and prayers worked…until next time.