Week 7 of the 2016 DFFL Season is in the books, and Mark and I are here to fill everyone in on what’s going on. Also, check out some new additions to the DFFL store.
This week, after taking pictures of our poor grandmother, the Frankes have released a line of Trump hats in the team store.
NOTHING BUT PRIDE
COLIN KAEPERNICK (DAVE)
PIMPIN AINT BREESY (MATT)
141.5 – 90
Someone order a pizza and make it a meat lovers! All members of the DFFL LGBTQ community had their eyes on this matchup, as league gays Dave and Matt faced off for the first time this season. Dave cemented his place on top in the blowout victory, while Matt looked like more of a power bottom.
With this win, Dave has now surpassed the win total from his dreaded 2-11 season in 2012. When I just asked him about his matchup, he said “I don’t know who I was playing. I don’t even know if I won.” This is the level of dedication it takes to win in this league. And while Dave himself doesn’t seem too excited, others around the league think this big game may have been a coming out party of sorts for him. We will see if his good play continues next week against the Frankes.
Without any near death experiences or urinary tract issues, Matt had a lot of time this week to work on his team. Despite the lack of distractions however, he still was only able to put 90 points on the board. “I sucked dick this week. But defeat is not bitter unless you spit or swallow it, so I’ll be back full force next week.” Matt looks to get back to .500 next week against Tommy.
DAS FRANKFURTERS (FRANKES)
THE ROMOSEXUALS (MIKE K)
126.8 – 104.8
The Frankes got back to their winning ways this week against the other Mike, beating him rather easily. It was the Frankes’ 5th win of the season, as they attempt to build a wall against the rest of the league with their good play. Mike is now 3-4, but very much alive in the contentious Father Duke Division.
It took some strong motivational tactics from Coach John to get this team fired up this week. Sources say during a heated argument with his son, John was heard yelling that he would have his vasectomy reversed “in order to breed a real man” if Jack didn’t start winning again. The scare woke Jack up apparently, as he was able to put a solid lineup together this week. Let’s hope they beat Dave this week, or else John may bring his illegitimate Japanese children into the mix.
While Mike was upset with the loss, he had bigger things on his mind. Kowalski proposed to his girlfriend Somer over the weekend, answering the highly anticipated question, “who’s next?” While placing the ring on her finger though, Mike couldn’t help but thinking about a ring of his own: a DFFL championship ring. Mike came close in 2014, losing the championship to Chris. He hopes for some strong play down the stretch to hopefully get some bling to match his fiancée’s.
ANTONIO BROWN V BOARD OF ED (ALLI)
PLAYS WITH SQUIRRELS (CHRIS)
146.8 – 92.7
I could sit here and make small talk about this matchup all day, but let’s get down to brass tax. I got my ass kicked by a pregnant lady. But there are more important things to talk about right now. There were a lot of words said about me last week. A lot of libel. A lot of slander. A lot of facts. Here is my response:
Let’s start it with Seagram’s. Was my first ever alcoholic beverage a Seagram’s? Yes. Was I 21 years old at the time? Yes. Did I enjoy the fuck out of it? Yes. If it hasn’t been stated already, I was (and possibly still am) a huge pussy. I missed out on my years of puking up Mike’s Hard and going on diatribes against Pizza Hut (make sure you click that link). But I have grown up. I have aged. I have developed proper Donovan alcoholism. Let’s put the Seagram’s joke to bed.
Onto kissing a girl. So maybe I didn’t spend my youth double dribbling down at the tracks. Maybe my gay brother brought a girl home before I did. So be it. I’ve been obese since the age of 10 and got my haircut by a woman sitting down, didn’t really have girls flocking to my door. But if you are to make the joke that Lisa was the first girl I kissed, then at least get the age right. I was 22, IDIOT.
Asian Office Porn. This one is tough, and is obviously a bad look. What compelled me to this brand of pornography? Why wasn’t it just Asian? Why wasn’t it just office? Why did I search a general category on google, instead of within the search bar of the porn website? The world may never know. But now you all know what I jerked off to as a young buck, so as long as we can sleep at night…
On my time at Wal-Mart: Did I scoop dead fish for money? Yea I did. Did I once drop a fish out of the tank and have it land on the floor and wiggle under the display while a child looked on? Yea I did. But I would never go back, mostly because I have never had more free time than I do at my current job.
So that’s it folks. It’s all on the table now. I hope we are all closer and better for it. And let’s also hope that Alli has a child soon so she can stop checking her lineup.
The OBJYN’s (Mark) vs Team Durwald (Mike D)
With Oscar season approaching, there is a lot of hype surrounding Mike Durwald’s performance during “Week 7”. Durwald put on quite the show this week by wearing a back-brace he borrowed from his brother Randy’s wife. He was really trying to take the focus off of his abysmal 2-5 record by wearing the brace. “When she was wearing the brace, it was all people could talk about. It made us empathize with her even though we hate her” Katie said as she was helping to remove Mike’s brace. Eric Durwald, Mike’s brother, offered his advice, “I told him to just sit in the basement and play video-games for 15 years. People eventually forget about you. It’s worked for me.”
Durwald looks to improve his record to 3-5, but 3-5 has never been a good omen in American history.
Mark, on the other hand, continues his season success by boasting a 7-0 record, the best start to a season in DFFL history. After achieving this impressive feat, Goodwin has planned to name his first child Seven, after George Costanza:
Although, Goodwin is not looking forward to week 8 because he will most likely be forced to attend a family Halloween party because it just happened to fall on the one weekend he is back in the 716.
BREAKING NEWS: BLOCKBUSTER TRADE ALERT
Without Burt (Donnie) vs Jamaal About That Bass (Katie)
BREAKING NEWS: As of 11:08PM October 26, 2016 a blockbuster trade has just been reported to the league’s office. Without Burt (Donnie) is sending prize running back Todd Gurley and speedy WR Stefon Diggs to 1st place The OBJYN’s (Mark) for stud WR Amari Cooper and Bengals RB Jeremy Hill. Unless the rest of the league vetoes the trade, then this deal will likely change the course of this season. With the season officially more than halfway over, it is time for teams to start making playoff pushes.
The matchup of the-only-two-married-cousins that had everybody (nobody, probably) excited, left everyone disappointed after a blowout win. Jamaal Charles, the 22nd overall draft pick, scored a whopping 0 points. When asked about it, Mrs. Durwald said, “I haven’t been this disappointed watching a football player since Mike’s second year at ECC. Go KATZ!” But, having Giovanni Bernard on her team for the 5th straight year keeps her confident to stay in the playoff hunt.
Ladies and Gentleman…
Man Amongst Boys (Barry) vs Jonathan Taylor Master Thomas (Tommy)
I cannot think of anything funny/witty to write for this matchup, so here is Mr. Conway Twitty: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2aeRg_yMSE