Since we aren’t going to do recaps of the toilet bowl games, here is a final season recap for the teams that fucking sucked:
Shitty Team #1: Team Durwald
Final Record: 2-11
You could make a case that Barry managed the shittiest team in the DFFL this year, but I am going to give that honor instead to Mr. D. After a 2-3 start to the season, Team Durward crushed all of our aunts/grandmas dreams by finishing with 8 straight losses and earning themselves the coveted 12 seed in the toilet bowl. Only Alli’s 1-12 tankapalooza stands in the way of Mike boasting the worst single-season record in DFFL history. Let’s hope for his sake that Mike learns how to use a computer to print out his cheat sheets next season. RIP Team Durwald.
Shitty Team #2: Man Amongst Boys
Final Record: 3-10
We move on to the almost equally shitty Man Amongst Boys, who finished the season last in the Father Stanton division, in both record and scoring. Like D, Barry ended the season on a remarkable losing streak, dropping his final 6 games on his way to a 3-10 record. Barry appears to adhere to the “If ya ain’t first you’re last” mantra, as he has either won the championship or missed the playoffs every year. There is no in-between for the Bear Man, as he has the fewest amount of regular season wins among the original 8, but also the most rings. Poor some Captain out for your boy this year. RIP Man Amongst Boys.
Shitty Team #3: Colin Kaepernick
Final Record: 5-8
Dave’s return to the league got off to a promising start, as he sat at 4-4 through Week 8. However, bye weeks and sheer lack of caring about the league got the best of him, as he dropped 4 of his last 5 games to finish the season at 5-8. You could say that he really “took a knee” on the season (I ran that joke by grandpa and he pissed his already stained pants). While his record wasn’t horrendous, Colin Kaepernick was the lowest scoring team in the league, and was the only team to not eclipse 1400 points on the year. RIP Colin Kaepernick.
Shitty Team #4: Jamaal About that Bass
Final Record: 5-8
Strengthening the case that her championship year was a complete fluke, Katie finished the season 5-8, good for 5th in the Father Stanton division. She feasted on the weaklings of the league, as three of her five wins came against Barry and Mike D. Katie’s first season in the DFFL was a dream, finishing 12-1 and winning the Treehaven Cup. However in the three seasons following, Katie has yet to return the playoffs and has only mustered a combined 13 wins. Fuck Peyton Manning. RIP Jamaal About that Bass.
Shitty Team #5: Plays With Squirrels
Final Record: 6-7
After never missing the playoffs or having a losing record in the DFFL, Chris crossed both of those items off of his bucket list this season. Plays With Squirrels finished 6-7 on the year, losing to The Romosexuals in Week 13 of the season to cement their place in the toilet bowl. After a 5-4 start and a playoff spot in his grasp, Goodwin took three shots in the final four weeks to drop out of contention. Goodwin wants his fans to know that he will continue to drink heavily on draft night, and will continue to advocate strongly for that strange. RIP Plays With Squirrels.
Shitty Team #6: Das Frankfurters
Final Record: 7-6
The playoffs took a major hit in the dab department, as the Frankes dropped to 7-6 on the season and failed to make the postseason. The Frankes are as dead as Harambe fam. You do have to be impressed with the Frankes rookie campaign, as a 7-6 record would’ve made the playoffs almost every other year. And despite what you think of them, they definitely made the league more punchable. Lets hope they stay focused on the investigation of Hillary’s emails and don’t start looking into Mark’s week 13 roster against Matt. RIP Das Frankfurters.